Handjob for the L Word - ww4mw
The Context: I am both cynical and easily shamed.
The Context Apply'd to Television: I think television is the pleasure of feeble and lazy imaginations, yet I feverishly turn on the television every night at 12:34am to see what Fear Factor has its contestants ingesting that night. So I indulge and then curse myself to sleep.
The Context Apply'd to Lesbian Television: I slaver and hunger for hot lesbian sex on television. (In C++: Hot != tongues touching; false fingernails clacking; slingbacks; bepenised third party. Hot == appraising cross-stitching patterns at a farmers' market; walking the border lab to the dog park; watching indie films with adoptive Chinese baby.) Given the dearth of hot lesbian sex on television, the truer statement is: I slaver and hunger for Showtime's "The L Word." So what if all the members of the ensemble cast, the production team, and the film crew and their equipment collectively weigh less than what was once considered the world's largest burrito, made in the town neighboring Palo Alto? So what if they are all high femme and dripping with cash? There's still lots of hot lesbian creative screenwriting. Regardless, I feel a insect bite of shame somewhere.
The Context Apply'd to Not Having Access to Lesbian Television: the usual Showtime portal is having a fight with her girlfriend, so it is unclear whether or not the portal will be open on Sunday night. Alas, it is not. This I learn after a crippling day of shameful yet eager anticipation. Frantic calls to similarly bereft friends yield no love. Curse my anti-cable/anti-television inhibitions! How it bites me right in the ass! It looks like a Sunday night will elapse and I will find no fix for my furtive Leisha Hailey Kündstant Kroving. The horror!
The Context Apply'd to Not Having Access to Lesbian Television But Knowing That Someone Out There Both Has Access to Lesbian Television and Is a Sexually Stunted Adult Who Trolls Internet Personals for Human Contact: Bill Voila! Craigslist, the Rivendell of the sexually stunted adults who troll Internet personals for human contact, meet the three lesbian Hobbits of a drafty apartment on Frederick Douglass Boulevard. And gentle readers, read the result of that meeting:
Reply to: anon-61595851@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-02-27, 9:43PM EST
Alright, now we're desperate. We are three gay girls, interested in watching "The L Word" on Showtime. We tried posting to Community. We tried posting to women seeking women. Now, we're throwing caution to the wind: we want to watch the show, but we don't have Showtime. But you do.
Here's the deal: let us watch your TV from 10-11pm (you must have SHOWTIME!!) and one of the three of us will give you a handjob. We might even throw in a lezzie kiss if you supply snacks. We're partial to strawberry ice cream and pretzels.
The clock ticks. Let the emailing begin. Bonus points to you if you live in the UWS/Morningside area.
this is in or around UWS
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
It must be said that we three prudish and monogamously committed lesbians had no inkling of how to perform, let alone intention to actually do, said handjob. I offered J for the hjob but she graciously declined, fiercely striking me across the skull with an open palm to express her disdain for my idea. Similarly I offered L, but she was idly watching Chris Rock's four-hour minstrel show on the Oscars, and chose to politely ignore me. Which left me, more than happy to theoretically perform an act of what I assume mimics a game of tug-o-war
on a disembodied male appendage, on the condition that I could wear my fleece mittens, but a little squeamish about the actual act and the psychopath to whom the male appendage might be sinuously attached.
Exactly twenty people replied, sending pictures and earnest replies, ranging from "I am decent, laid back, articluate, very well educated & traveled guy who's clean cut & professional" to the anatomically curious [sic sic sic]
"imissed this chance,but would do anytihng to let you use em as your boytoy.im very hung, thick, clean and will do anything you want.will let yuou ride em and see you squirt from my thick cocok. or use me as your whore toy to order and watch. tomrorow night, anything you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to the trailblazingly weirdly voiced "well we are a hot rock coupel who has digital cable with 8 billion channels.......interested?" to the final, plaintive missive [sic again]
Oh wel shuld I still try,,,
thanks,,
Was it wrong to advertising something that I had no intention of selling? Probably. Sorry to the nineteen respondents (and one friend who correctly identified the authors) who had their hopes raised momentarily.
Anyway, "The L Word" never materialized. We finally managed, today, to finagle a copy from a friend. I watched three episodes in succession, pausing whenever Leisha Hailey appeared onscreen and pressing my lips to the cathode ray tube in the appropriate places.
Sinfulicious!
(Leisha Hailey! Write me! Lolo is not jealous as we shall have joint custody of you.)
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