instruments

Olympia just sent me a link to the website of this guy who is writing and posting a song every day. He's funny and talented, etc., but what I was most impressed by is the fact that at least eight stringed instruments (guitars, banjos, and either a ukelele or a small guitar) are visible in some of the videos. Which got me to thinking that it was time to acquire more instruments. 

At one point this fall I had five guitars in my room. One was a borrowed bass that I have since returned, another was some crazy bitch's guitar that I have since left leaning in the corner of a Bavarian apartment. My room is not big, so these guitars were stacked up/shoved underneath my bed. Because this is my fucking blog, now I am going to list the instruments I have in my apartment:

1. 2005 Fender Mexican Fat Strat, agave blue, my electric guitar. Fat bottomed Fannie, with the throaty humbucker and a strawberry sticker for sweetness. In the 2006 breakup I got the dog and the guitar. She got the apartment that became infested with bedbugs three months later. 

2. 2006? Ibanez AEF18ETVS, violet sunburst, my acoustic electric guitar. Bought this off a fellow on Craigslist. I talked twenty bucks off his BATNA price because I thought the pickups were broken. Then after spending two hours dismantling and reassembling the guitar and its electronics, I discovered the problem: the volume was turned down. I'm gonna send this guy his $20 back.



3. 1996 Squier P-Bass, black, my bass guitar.  My parents bought me this during my junior year of high school because of my late Renaissance PSAT score. The first song I played on it was "It's Only Love" by the Beatles, a duet with NK on her matching black Fender Strat. This was the instrument I used in my high school jazz-fusion band, the college funk band I got kicked out of (for sucking at bass), and then left mouldering in the co-op basement for three years. The pickups and pots rusted. I learned to solder two weeks ago and finally fixed the electronics. It is good as new now, which is to say, still shitty.



4. 2008 Yamaha YPT-410, my keyboard. I got this for free. It is one of those horrible no-weight action plastic keyboards, but whatever, it was free. It makes helicopter sounds.

5. Roland Boss BR-600 Digital Recorder, my 8-track and drum machine. How I make all those late night recordings. It kind of blew my mind when I first bought it, and it is a powerful little beast, but in the information age people don't use audio-only digital recorders - they use software with audio visualizations like ProTools or GarageBand. That's the next step for me, I guess.


6. 1995? Crate GX-30M Amplifier, my guitar amp. Fifty bucks at a used guitar shop near my house. The pots are dirty. When you turn the knobs, it sounds like you're stepping on Fritos. But at least it's loud.


7. Two Hohner Hot Metal Harmonicas (in A and C). I bought these last week and haven't even tried to learn to play them.  I got them primarily because I want one day to pull my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana and play soft while Bobby sings the blues.




8. Two plastic purple egg shakers, one is missing, which I blame on Stephanie.

9. 10" Remo Economy Tambourine. Bottom barrel prices! Unfortunately, bottom barrel sound too.




10. Velcro sleigh bells. This was used primarily to keep a 16 month-old baby entertained. I am going to include it in my Thanksgiving song, however.

11. Columbia Maid-Rite Washboard. I also bought this last week. I am inspired to start a jug band. The thimbles are still in the mail, so I haven't tried playing it yet.



12. Assorted random percussion (Japanese toy claves, aspirin bottles, drumsticks)
13. And the cheap clarinet and cheap violin and ruined electric guitar I keep in Palo Alto.
14. I owned a drumset but I sold it last year after learning three basic beats.
15. Instruments you can buy me (my birthday is eventually coming up): banjo, kalimba, trombone, ukelele, harmonium, trumpet, alto saxophone, accordion, cowbell, Gibson Les Paul, Fender Telecaster, Vox AC30 amp, upright bass, banana suit.

Are you still reading? What's wrong with you?