Five minutes of television at 12:57 a.m.

- A man with a Russian accent speaking to mustachioed man about CIS and Boeing.

- Andrea Throndson, an early 40-something supernerd with a mouse-colored bowl cut and awful bangs, wearing a red, blue, yellow, and dark blue vertically striped rugby shirt, kneeling on a yoga pad with five people kneeling on pads around her, telling you in a very slow voice, "Naamaaaasteee." Hands are pilgrims. She wears thick, round glasses.

- Time lapse photography of some sort of "infrared" convection oven raising cinnabuns into bubbly fat blocks in seconds.

- Tim Allen and that fat bearded friend whose name I forget talking about a dead psychic. "That would explain the tardiness then, wouldn't it?" Laughter from the laugh track.

- Cheap graphics on QVC, followed by the ungrammatical commercial urgings of a white woman whose voice appears off camera. I know she's white because of the way she says, "But what a fantastic shoe." "Gorgeous and right on trend is the theme of what we have tonight." Oh, she's on screen now. She's a 30-something brunette in a scoop-neck aquamarine blouse made of rayon or nylon. She has a diamond that probably resulted in the deaths of 2,230 Sierra Leoneans on her ring finger. Now she's manipulating the textured rubber outsole of a "Markon Water Resistant Wedge Heel Suede Pumps," which is on sale at today's special value for $35.82. "Sometimes you have to save suede for that special occasion, and you pray that you won't get water on them?"

- A meathead with a British accent trying to cook an "18th century meal." The first step is to light a fire by hitting fire-starting rocks together. Now here is a shot of a bunch of white people in peasant garb, also speaking in British accents, watching the meathead attempting to milk a cow. This is a show that challenges British people to cook things under difficult circumstances. He is now learning how to spin meat on a mechanical rotisserie.

- John Leguizamo and Donnie (DONNIE??? My favorite NKOTB!) Wahlberg starring in some TV show being advertised on this channel.

- The first black man appears. He is in a gym, surrounded by basketballs.

- The next black man. It's "The Best Sports Period" - I think the real name is longer but I can only see those words on the sign they have posted in front of the panel of commentators. Is this show about menarche? They are doing a special outdoor beach episode and there are two blonde girls behind each of the four men. Their jobs are to stand around in bikinis looking better baked than Sunday roasts. "Coby Karl, Former Sonics Ball Bay" is the guest commentator, but he has some sort of giant bandaid covering the lower half of his chin. They are Hooters Girls, it has just been announced.

- Man: Getting ready for my test.
Inquisitive Child: What subject?
Man: Cholesterol! [flash to shot of Cheerios box]

- Rugged, Eric Roberts/Bana-esque tall scary man in a forest staring down a young white man who hands a book to him, and a very light-skinned black or possibly Latino woman with very, very plentiful gazongas.

- Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville driving a golf cart at high speeds around a golf course. Now it has flipped over and Johnny Knoxville has narrowly missed breaking his neck. Now a big white guy has tore off tearaway pants and is dancing around Japanese people in a Japanese department store. The man blows his whistle. Now it's time to laugh at the small yellow people tolerating this funny, freedom-loving scofflaw. A tiny alligator bites Johnny Knoxville's nipples. I think I've seen this one before.