Wisdom and Jodie Foster

My dad is a paranoid guy. I have thought about this a lot. All the corners of all the furniture in the house I grew up in were sanded into round edges, because my dad feared for my and Richard's eyes. But that's very pedestrian example of paranoia, and understandable. My dad is also gripped with paranoid fantasies beyond the normal pale of paranoia. I just found a file from 2002 in which I wrote down a few, almost verbatim, with some translation from the original Chinglish:

1. Jackhammers will ruin your insides.
2. Massages can kill you, or at least seriously inconvenience you. Don’t get them in China.
3. Thai masseuses will break your back.
4. Unlicensed masseuses will kill you.
5. Cover your face in oils before it is too late. “Irreversible damage will happen.”
6. Wear a sweater or you will die of cold.
7. Dry your hair before you go to sleep or your face will be covered in spots.
8. Carbon from burnt toast will give you cancer.
9. Don't go to San Francisco because it is too cold. You will die.
10. Bare feet in the garage; nails will pierce your skin.
11. Do not play the guitar in the chair. The sharp end of guitar will puncture the laptop screen. “Fluid everywhere.”

In my paranoia hunt, I also found a letter that Jodie Foster had written me!

Dear Mandy,

Of course, I will let you go down on me. Please, come now, come quick, and come alone.

Waiting,
Jodie Foster

P.S.: And of course, I will wear denim overalls over a red union suit.