what a pickle

You don't wake up in the morning thinking, Oh I know! At 2 a.m., I'm going to take all of my clothes off and wander into the kitchen and empty a jar of extra large pickles into a plastic bag and then I'm going to put on a shirt and size 10.5 Ferragamo slingbacks but no pants and carry a massive painting of the background farm house from American Gothic from the laundry room to my bedroom, but then sometimes it's 2 a.m. and that's exactly what you just did!

There are so many more where these came from.

Some days you go to bed with monkeys and parrots linguistics like this in your head:

i want so badly to fuck you
i want to fuck you so badly
i want to fuck you really well

And then you wake up to a thank you email like this:

When my earnest 22 year old assistant brought in the book, and the postcard featuring an abstraction in a thong, i immediately thought "she shouldn't have", and then realized that was a saying, and apt on a whole lot of levels. If I was less lazy, I would send a tasteful dildo to your office, half wrapped in old sports-pages from the palo alto daily news. Fortunately for you, I am lazy (which is one reason i don't deserve such kindness). And while i send nothing to help their arrival, i do wish you a hundred additional leg-numbing orgasms this calendar year.

Men's legs! To be numbed.

And later in the day you sit in your car you can't stop giggling. Not maniacal laughter, not cheerful chortles, but the kind of giggling that happens inside a car in Sunnyvale, California, with a secondhand Ikea table top in your backseat, awesome news on your phone, and you're saying to yourself "HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE."

I am never going to let this painting go.

And then your favorite ridiculous person calls just to confess that she finds breastfeeding disgusting except when done by one particular weird-looking person she knows. You shush her because you're progressive. She goes on: "Sometimes you just don't want to see someone you're not really friends with have their nipples licked by another person." The problem with the latest feeding, she said, was that the person doing the licking - i.e. the baby - "took charge." You ask but she cannot elaborate on the meaning of taking charge.

I LUV MY LIFE!