how to avoid a robbery in penang

1. Eat six meals a day.
2. Gain 2.2 kg in three weeks.
3. Outweigh your robber by thirty pounds.
4. Watch out for traffic as it comes from behind you.
5. Stand to the side when you see a motorcycle swerve toward you.
6. When shopping for handbags, opt for the lesbian cargo sac instead of the purse.
7. Spend no more than $6 on said lesbian cargo sac. This way, the seams are weak, and when a man on a motorcycle swings around to grab your sac off your arm, the strap, instead of your arm, rips off.
8. Save 10 ringgit for a hurried cab ride back to the security of your locked hotel room.

It was startling and violent to have a man on a motorcycle attempt to snatch my bag, and a small triumph that he failed. Had the strap been any stronger, I might have been more badly injured, but God has blessed me with lesbian style (and fat and muscles too), and in the end it did no more than bruise my arm and leave me speechless and bewildered, holding what was left of my bag. By the wild swerve of the motorcycle as it puttered away from me, it was clear that my would-be robbers had misjudged the truck-ness of my body. So...hell yeah, everybody, let's eat!