addicted

Having some major sleep problems, what with continued general elation over President Obama's election and continuing addiction to news. That Onion video? Too close to home. Periodically I wander into the living room, where Shaw has draped her YES WE CAN towel over the couch and where I can gaze fondly upon my American flag. I want to lay that towel over my face so it's the first thing I see when I wake up in the mornings.  I feel like a luge! I feel like a runaway balloon! I feel like a firefly, all lit up from the bottom! 

I have to say I'm a little surprised at this feeling. Maybe I was naive. I really thought the election was about meritocracy vs. gerontocracy, obvious talent vs. crass politicking, mensch vs. stench what have you. For me, the election was about qualifications! What a stupid thing to say! I didn't really focus about the symbolism of Obama's candidacy literally until three days before the election. Why? I don't know. Even when McCain gave his concession speech, I thought he was being patronizing by talking about the historical significance of the first African-American president. But then seeing people cry all around me, and seeing the world react as it did - WOWZA. I particularly relished an morning-after text sent to me by second-generation Korean-American BH:  "My mother called me last night to tell me America is a great country. [Bananarchist], America stands for something again! Something good! Something great!"

It was not long ago that patriotism in America looked like this: 

But two days ago we saw masses of people - people who are not all scarily monochromatic and aggressive - singing the Star-Spangled Banner in the streets, together, harmoniously, spontaneously, happily! OZ writes today to ask, "What can I do now? How do I get involved?" I confessed to Stern that I considered, for a moment, getting an American flag tattooed on me so that I would not forget what this moment felt like.

The tattoo is unlikely, since I continue to believe it's better not to give law enforcement the opportunity to track you by permanent markings on your body, though it's possible that a tattoo on the web between one's big and second toe or on the roof of one's mouth or in the most inaccessible fold of one's backfat would go undetected, but that's not the kind of flag tattoo I'd want, I'd want to get a flag sleeve or flag forehead banner or flag tramp stamp WTF AM I SAYING IT'S SO LATE I HAVEN'T SLEPT WELL IN SO LONG BANANAS I'M BANANAS WITH NUTS FOR OBAMA! 

Well, whatever. I read the Internet today, and then I refreshed it fifteen minutes later and reread it again. Here are some amusing things from recent days:

- More on Sarah Palin's clothes. The story is old news, but the images are always so revealing.  Here is seven year-old Piper Palin outfitted with a $1,300 Louis Vuitton purse:

- Some heartwarming home video footage of celebrations on EbonyJet.com. 

- Eat it, Europeans. It's nice to see them jealous, unable to compete, shamefully gazing at their Old World navels. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 

- Headlines like this: Election Unleashes a Flood of Hope Worldwide. Obama Victory Alters the Tenor of Iraqi Politics. 

- Why the hell not? The Pointer Sisters, singing "Yes We Can Can," apparently a very long time ago. I am feeling so not cynical right now it's hard to know how to deal with it.  The lyrics would have made me gag a few weeks ago, but now they just seem so precious and prescient and perfect: 

We got to make this land a better land

than the world in which we live.

And we got to help each man be a better man

with the kindness that we give.

- Chicago is in love with itself.  I wanna brag: It's a good time to live in this city. Grant Park 11/4/08, bitches! 

Across the metropolis, the sweeping presidential victory of Chicagoan Obama was being celebrated as a moment of intense parochial pride and opportunity for a city that historically—and quite literally—has been at the crossroads of our ever-evolving nation.

Chicago becomes an instant international showcase as the architects of the next American agenda gather here over the coming months to build their new administration. The worldwide attention could enhance the city's prestige and influence and even give a boost to its 2016 Olympic bid.

- This Onion video about Cindy McCain is an oldie but goodie. "His outer shell has not even yet calcified."

 

- TMZ-style photos of President Obama exiting his gym in his shades and slinky pants. (But how alarming - is it this easy for a paparazzo to hide behind a car and access him?!?)

- Thanks to OZ, who unearthed some Obaminformation hidden in the Automotive section of the New York Times.  Five inch thick windows! 

For example, television clips showing George W. Bush entering and exiting the rear doors of his limos indicate that the windows are at least 5 inches thick, nearly twice the depth of what was used on presidential limousines in the 1980s and ’90s.

While I do not know what type of weapons such thick windows are designed to guard against, a half-inch of transparent armor is enough to stop a .44 Magnum round at point-blank range; at a thickness of 1.25 to 1.5 inches, the same material can withstand higher-velocity bullets fired from military assault rifles. Were an attack to occur, the ballistic forces of bullets fired into the windows would be absorbed within a succession of glass and plastic layers, after which a flexible inner coating known as an antispall shield would keep glass from entering the passenger compartment.

- Why is it that I don't care what I'm reading about, so long as it is analyzed through an Obama-lens? Sports, for example. White Sox thrilled about a fan in the White House. Obama drafts a fantasy football team two weeks ago with an ESPN reporter, bromance ensues. 

He looked at me like I'd stuck my elbow in his soup. "Man, this is more important than politics!" he insisted. "This is football!"

- Obama's doppelganger nearly born in Grant Park during his speech

Obamapalooza was a memorable experience for anyone who attended, but it's even more memorable for attendees Erin and Mawi Asgedom. The couple were watching President Elect Obama speak when Erin went into labor. She said, "Before we went, we realized that our contractions were about seven minutes apart. We decided to take the risk and witness something that was very historic." The couple left and walk nearly a mile to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where Erin was admitted and gave birth to a healthy Sawyer Tewolde Asgedom. Father Mawi, an immigrant from Ethiopia, said, "I feel like I've had the best 12 hours one can have. I got to witness a momentous moment in the history of democracy, Barack Obama, and then now I have my son here, who can be anyone he wants to be."

- Inappropriate Hottie Rundown of Obama's potential cabinet. 

Janet Napolitano - Attorney General? Another butch attorney general named Janet? Waco us up, we must be dreaming! Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano is one Italian Stallion we'd like to ride into the Tucson sunset. Like her democratic AG predecessor, Napolitano has the rugged good looks of a lady who isn't afraid to sick the ATF on your ass if she wants to get a look at your concealed weapon stash, if you know what we mean (we mean genitals). Points off for having a name that puts that "Joey" song back in our heads. 2.7 out of 4 Ed Meeses. - Barack Obama has been president-elect for two days yet my cancer isn't cured- WTF?

I hope this post entertains you for the first hour of your workday, before you go back to glumly refreshing Politico waiting for news about RFK Jr. and Caroline Kennedy, or Larry Summers, or Janet Napolitano, and still checking FiveThirtyEight even though the election has already been won.