i miss these kinds of conversations

December 23, 2009:

X: what are you wearing?

B: exactly the same outfit as yesterday with the exception of brown underwear with pink piping instead of blue underwear with green piping. sweater with holes on the sleeves, t-shirt, pinstripe black pants, ski socks, canoe shoes, bad posture, mullet. oh la la. you?

X: what color sweater? holes on both sleeves? did you get new canoe shoes that don’t squeak? i can’t believe you never told me! me: grey cardigan with pin (wood, floral, round), red button-up shirt with silver threads and “peter pan” collar, high waisted thick wool skirt, mud colored, white sweater tights, round brown shoes. hair pinned up. bags under eyes. i look like a substitute teacher/crazy person.

B: sweater: black, wool, banana republic via goodwill. hole (patched) on left elbow where boo’s declaw caught once, another hole on left wrist, still unpatched. same canoe shoes, same squeak, don’t care anymore. your description of your outfit made me think thoughts of you inappropriate for the workplace.

X: this is fun. what have you eaten today? please list. let’s see if your fruit/vegetable intake is greater than the number of woolly clothing items i am wearing.

B: blueberry yogurt cup, oatmeal (almonds, pecans, apricots, sunflower seeds, shredded coconut), coffee. oatmeal raisin clif bar. sliver of fudge. potatoes au gratin (not sure what that means but includes grease and salt) and spinach heap with blueberries and walnuts and thumb of smegma. feel very unhealthy eagerly awaiting 2:30 p.m. free lunch time for chinese food leftovers. you?

X: coffee, emergen-c, toasted cinnamon raisin bread spread with smooth peanut butter, bowl plain yogurt with fresh fruit (orange, canteloupe, honey dew, pineapple, blueberries), small plain bagel with veggie cream cheese, two ginger cookies and an italian butter cookie stick, leftover stir-fried beef sichuan style with celery and carrots, jonas gold apple, bag of ritz bits cheese sandwiches, earl gray tea. gonna make myself some swiss miss soon and graze for more snacks.

B: num! eat more. what’s on your plate tonight? also you know what’s totally liberating? writing short imperative sentences, e.g. “send me the sentence when you’re done.” i prefer this to indirect feminine questioning, e.g. “um could you send me the sentence please?” what are you drinking tonight? killian’s red [emphatic hoof stamp].

X: oh yes, i’ve been transitioning to the command versus the fake-ask as well. it’s awesome.

B: sit on my face.