birthday erotica

A few weeks ago, I posted requesting to be written as a peripheral character into erotica for my thirtieth birthday. Unbeknownst to me, my most wonderful S. sent the call out to my friends and gave me, on my birthday, a compilation of often hilarious, entirely batshit crazy responses from the people who matter the most to me. Most came back with sweet and funny and well-written PG-rated responses, but two especially unhinged friends gave me the gift of erotica. I present their submissions below.

• "Delivery from Doldrums," by JY

Cara jumped away as the rear door of the UPS truck came down with a crash, the shiny brown metal glinting like a knife. “Damn, I could’ve had my ankle chopped off!” she thought. It had been a rough day. She started her new route today and the mid-morning was stretching into infinity. It was a warm spring day in Palo Alto and she wanted to be in a park somewhere lying on soft grass. She brushed her honey colored bangs aside, adjusted her ponytail, and sighed as she loaded the dolly with packages. She walked into the law offices of [ ] and was greeted by the receptionist as she entered the lobby.

As Cara waited for the elevator she caught a glimpse at the secretary out of the corner of her eye. “Pretty cute.” The elevator doors were about to close when an arm shot between them and a voice called out “Hold the elevator!” A young woman entered the elevator. Her cheeks were slightly red and she carried a bicycle helmet underneath her arm.

“Good morning,” she said and smiled.

“Good morning,” said Cara smiling back. “Have a good ride?”

“Yeah it was okay. I don’t live too far from here so I always ride my bike but today I’m kind of late for work so I busted ass to get here. Where’s Jerry, the usual guy?”

“He transferred to another city. Had to move because his wife found another job.”

“Ah I see. Well welcome! My name’s Bananarchist.”

“Hi, I’m Cara.” The elevator stopped.

“Well Cara, I’ll probably be seeing you around.” Bananarchist said cocking her chin and smiling. She stepped out of the elevator and walked a few steps forward before turning around and giving Cara a wave. Maybe it was her low voice or maybe it was her slight swagger but Cara’s gaydar went off. “This may turn out to be an interesting route...”

On Sunday morning Cara woke up and decided she really needed a run. She pulled on her jogging shorts, tank top, and sneakers and started with an easy loop through her neighborhood. She headed for her favorite running trails. Baylands Park was one of the reasons why she chose to live in this neighborhood. The morning sun glinted on the marshland and Cara’s muscled legs started pumping. A snowy egret’s legs were half submerged in the marsh as its long bill dove into the water searching for food and an American kestrel flew overhead. As Cara watched it, she ran past a woman walking with her dog.

“Hey Cara!”

Cara stopped and looked at who called her. It was Bananarchist. She looked pretty good this morning. Her athletic body no longer was hidden by her shapeless business suit and her short sleeved shirt displayed her muscled upper arms.

“Hey good morning Bananarchist.”

Cara rested her hands on her hips and she noticed that Bananarchist looked at her straight in her eyes. They stood fairly close to each other and she felt the heat radiating off Bananarchist’s body.

“Wow do you run here all the time or do you have a workout program? You look really fit,” Bananarchist said as she lightly squeezed Cara’s arms.

Cara blushed and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and looked down and smiled. “I mainly just jog and I rock climb. I don’t lift weights or anything.”

“Oh my friend JY rock climbs. She’s a really good climber and I’m doing this workout program called P90x partly because I can never surpass her rock climbing skills and her awesome sense of style so I have to beat her at something. I can beat her at arm wrestling and wrestling in general,” she boasted.

“Oh okay…”

“It’s really getting me in shape. Check this out.” Bananarchist pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and flexed her triceps. “See this?” she said, pointing to a slight muscle. “I call this Russian ridge and this other one devil's slide.”

“Oh, neat.”

“Oh man,” Cara thought, “What is she trying to prove!”

“Yeah my girlfriend really appreciates that I’m super strong.”

“You have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah she lives in New York.”

“Ah the distance must be hard on you two.”

“It is but we manage to work it out. Plus how could she give up on all this?” Bananarchist said gesturing at herself.

“Well I should be going now. See you later!” Cara said sprinting away as fast as she could. She was a little put off by Bananarchist's obvious egotism.

The beginning of the week passed by normally but on Wednesday Cara was outside loading up her dolly when Bananarchist appeared.

“Hey Cara how are you doing? Let’s have a strength contest! We should load up this dolly and see who can pull it with one hand the fastest down the street.”

“I can’t,” Cara said “It’s kind of a liability thing.”

“Okay,” Bananarchist said a little disappointed. “Wanna arm wrestle instead?”

“No thanks.”

“C’mon are you afraid I’m gonna beat you?” she teased playfully jabbing at Cara’s arm.

Cara brushed her hand aside and Bananarchist jabbed at her a few more times. Cara was getting a little annoyed at this point.

“Actually I’m gonna go back to work now. See ya.” Cara said coolly. She decided to avoid engaging Bananarchist in conversation in the future.

It had been a long week at work and Cara headed over to the East Bay to have dinner with some of her friends. They decided to go to a queer dance party in Oakland afterwards called Hella Gay. Cara wasn’t so sure she wanted to go out dancing but after some cajoling she gave in. She decided to wear her patent leather flats tonight and grey skinny jeans with a sleeveless blouse. Her hair she left undone and it cascaded across her shoulders and her long bangs hung in her eyes. When she and her two friends entered the club Cara noticed the abundance of eye candy all around her. After two drinks she was ready to dance. Cara moved her body to the music, feeling the beats deep within her. She raised her arms above her head and swayed. She spotted a cute Asian girl dancing with some friends a few feet away on her right.

“Hey check her out” she said to her friend nodding in the girl’s direction. “Asian girl at 2 o’clock with the brown knee-high boots and striped dress.”

“Nice. Cute! Are you gonna go talk to her?”

“I’m thinking about it…” Cara tried to think of an opening and as she gathered the courage to go up to her she noticed Bananarchist. “Oh shit! I know one of the cute girl’s friends.”

“Who is she?”

“She works in an office on my route and I totally don’t want to talk to her. Damn. I hope she didn’t see me…I’m gonna go outside for some air.” Cara carefully maneuvered herself towards the backdoor of the club and noticed that Bananarchist and her cute friend were talking to two white girls.

“Uh she’s such a creep! She has a girlfriend in New York….” Cara thought. She entered the smoking patio and as she surveyed the scene she noticed an attractive female smoking by herself in a corner. They exchanged glances and smiles and Cara casually walked up to her.
“Hey,” Cara said smiling, “Mind if I bum a cigarette off of you?”

“Sure,” she said producing a packet of cigarettes from the pocket of her dark jacket. Cara took one and placed the cigarette between her lips and the mysterious stranger sparked her lighter. Cara leaned in and cupped her hand around the flame and the bottom of her palm brushed the other woman’s fingers. She leaned against the brick wall and took a drag, blowing the smoke in a stream from her pursed lips as her head rested against the wall. She noticed the other woman doing the same thing and admired the curve of her neck as she exhaled.

The woman turned her head towards her and said, “Hi, my name’s Sheana.”

“Hi, I’m Cara.” They smoked in silence for a minute both gazing out onto the crowd of people. Cara felt Sheana shift her weight and their shoulders were lightly touching. Sheana’s coat was warm against Cara’s bare arms and her heart started beating a little faster.

“How’re you doing tonight Cara?”

“I’m doing just fine right now” Cara said as she looked into Sheana’s dark eyes framed by her bobbed slightly wavy black hair. Sheana ran her finger along Cara’s arm and she shivered.

“You have Goosebumps. Are you cold? Do you wanna go back inside?”

“Okay.” Cara followed Sheana back inside the club and upstairs into the mezzanine area. It was dimly lit and as Cara’s eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw that Sheana had found an unoccupied corner of the room and was leaning on one shoulder against the wall, one knee bent and looking expectantly at Cara. Cara crossed over and faced Sheana, also leaning one shoulder against the wall, and looked into Sheana’s face. Sheana leaned forward slowly and gazed into her eyes and Cara took an intake of breath anticipating the touch of Sheana’s lips against her own. Her mouth an inch from Cara’s, she stopped, and Cara held her breath. Sheana said “Hi” and smiled a sly smile. The anticipation was agonizing.

Sheana suddenly leaned in and kissed Cara, their teeth clinking against each other with the force of the kiss. Cara wrapped one arm around Sheana’s body and the other she held against Sheana’s neck pulling Sheana into her, the curves of their bodies fitting into one another. Sheana glided her left hand up Cara’s leg and around her hips and slid her hand up the back of her top. Cara felt Sheana’s fingers tighten slightly as Sheana pressed her palm into the middle of Cara’s back and held on. Their mouths opened and Cara gasped as Sheana’s tongue entered her mouth. Their tongues wrestled with each other for a moment and Cara pulled away and lightly bit Sheana’s lower lip. She pulled Sheana’s hips forward and pushed Sheana’s against the wall while sliding her knee between her legs which made Sheana gasp and close her eyes. Cara kissed Sheana’s shoulder and slid her lips across her collarbone and ran her lips up Sheana’s neck and to her hairline. Sheana bowed her head and Cara kissed the area behind her neck and felt the hot throbbing of Sheana’s veins against her tongue as she slid her tongue down her neck. Cara felt Sheana’s hips start to move rubbing herself against Cara’s thigh.

“You are so fucking hot,” Cara whispered into Sheana’s ear.

Sheana let out a moan and held onto Cara’s hips. She felt the seam of her jeans rubbing against her clit and Cara’s knee rocked with her. Cara’s hand moved underneath her shirt and caressed her stomach. She was happy to discover that Sheana was not wearing a bra and moved to cup her left breast. Two fingers held onto Sheana’s nipple and she brushed Sheana’s nipple with her thumb. Cara nudged her nose into Sheana’s low-cut shirt and found her other nipple with her mouth. She encircled the areola with her tongue in little circles before sucking the nipple into her warm mouth. She softly flicked her tongue across the surface while gently sucking. Sheana looked past Cara’s shoulder and noticed two beautiful women looking at them, their eyes filled with desire. Sheana looked at them and they smiled at her, winking. Sheana felt the first waves of an orgasm building and gritted her teeth as she ran her hand through Cara’s hair and held on. She felt Cara’s teeth lightly bite her nipples and Sheana’s breaths became short and ragged.

“Oh fuck” she exclaimed as she quaked and felt pleasure filling her body. Her knees became weak and she slumped weakly against Cara who started kissing her on the mouth softly and slowly. Cara held Sheana’s face in her hands and felt the dampness of her hair and gave Sheana a long wet kiss. She looked at Sheana’s content face and said “Let’s get out of here.”

The two women walked downstairs and Cara gave her friends the I’m-getting-laid-tonight look goodbye. As they walked hand in hand out of the club and out onto the street Cara realized she was walking behind Bananarchist and her friend and overheard part of their conversation. Bananarchist’s friend said, “Bananarchist, you’re such a pussy! Why didn’t you tell her you had a girlfriend?”

“I know I know I am. I’m just gonna ignore any contact she attempts to make. Maybe I should start wearing a wedding ring or something.”

“Ha! As if you have to fight off girls trying to pick you up all the time!”

“Hey I don’t see you picking up chicks, JY!”

“I got a number tonight didn’t I?”

Bananarchist and her friend crossed the street and their conversation and laughter became gradually unintelligible. Cara walked with Sheana to her car and they exchanged another kiss before driving off together to the start of a very long night.

• "Parvati and Aphrodite," by NG
  
  “Frankly, I was getting tired of Shiva anyway. If he wants four arms, blue skin, and eternal energy, then fuck it, he can have Kali.”
  
  “Girl, don't take that shit lying down. You didn't spend 200 years doing downward dog in the Aravalis for that man to run off with your worse half.”
  
  “Well what the fuck am I supposed to do? I've put too much energy into this shit already. I even killed off half of Hyderabad just to show I can be a bad girl too. But nothing. Nothing. They've been in that bedroom for ten years now.”
  
  “Oh, ten years now. Everyone knows that Tantric yoga is just made up. They're probably stitching embroidery onto cotton blankets for their mothers. While they are acting like ancient ninnies, we're going to get down to business. Revenge plan. My specialty.”
  
  “Okay, Aphrodite, what is it?”
  
  And with that, the two goddesses got down to business. Aphrodite reached her long milky fingers into her preferred cypress trunk and pulled out thick parchment paper.
  
  “Well Parvati, I'm thinking we turn Shiva's dick into a goat.”
  
  Parvati broke into her trademark laughter – a sound sweeter than the harps playing on Olympus, with an occasional warthog snort every fourth giggle. Her golden body glowed as she rolled and bounced on Aphrodite's smooth clamshell couch.
  
  Three hours later, Aphrodite stood with eyebrows furrowed (of course, even with the furrowing, her skin retained its pearly sheen.) Parvati's rolling laughs had transformed to stiff consternation. After covering the parchment with lists of their resources, they were stuck on the most painful detail – how to lure Shiva away from Kali long enough to make his member bleat.
  
  But this time, instead of becoming a weeping monsoon, Parvati skin hardened and radiated. Her once dark eyes were burning white. In Parvati's presence, Aphrodite began to melt a little. But on the inside, she too was on fire.
  
  The parchment slipped out of Aphrodite's hand. And her hand slipped onto Parvati's lower left hand. The lower left hand melted the comparatively small milky fingers intertwined with it. Aphrodite's tongue slowly grazed her companion's bronzed nipple, her hard teeth biting just outside the quartz-like areola. Parvati burned hotter. Moans escaped.
  
  Soon, the Greek goddess's ruby lips were just skimming her Indian lover's navel, getting lower and lower. Finally (oh it felt like eternity for Parvati!), her long, moist tongue reached its destination. It wrapped around in a slow licking motion, interspersing it with (“oh yes! yes!”) a strong vacuuming suck. Aphrodite felt a flame rise in her belly – Parvati's upper right arm was entering her, filling her.
  The Hindu deity was molten now, her golden ore combining with Aphrodite's creamy desire. Their heavy breath in unison until that breath became a scream.
  
  “Harder!” the two screamed. The gold and white violently separated. But then, they came back together. Distinguishing the two, nearly impossible. The illumination from their body reached not just to the ends of Greece, but as far as Alaska, where it shown green and pink. And then with a deep, heaving sigh, it faded.
  
  As the two lay, arm in arms, Parvati noticed a smooth yellow crescent in a corner. She dreamily reached her lower right arm (the least tired of her limbs) over to the strange object. The object wiggled! Both ladies jumped ever so slightly as they realized what it was. A dancing banana. But wait, the banana was un-peeling itself. Underneath the fleshy yellow peel was a fleshy beige-ish girl, with chestnut nipples, dark shiny hair, and a ginger bush. Like all new parents, the goddesses began to argue.
  
  “No, she looks like me, look at that shiny black hair.”
  
  “But what about that ginger bush? All me!”
  
  But then the girl cocked her head and smiled, slightly crooked. Parvati looked at Aphrodite. Their eyes locked knowingly. The problem would not be to lure Shiva away from Kali. This shiny haired, ginger-bushed girl, her charms already so apparent, would lure Kali away from Shiva. And legions of women thereafter.