the smartest guy in the world

Dad came home last night spilling over with mirth. He came in from the garage and immediately told me a story as I ate daikon cakes at the kitchen table, speaking in that excited way he has, mostly Chinese with ornamental English words.

"See this watch?" he said. I looked at his watch.

"Twenty years old. Your mom bought it for me twenty years ago. A few years ago the knob broke, so I used superglue to put it back on. But I reassembled the watch too soon, and superglued the knob in place and superglued the back to the face. So I couldn't set my watch for the longest time. It was set to the right time, but every year, during daylight savings, it was an hour behind. I've been using this watch as my spring and summer watch only. The rest of the year, who knows what time it is?

"The battery finally ran out a few days ago, so I couldn't even use it as my summer watch. Yesterday, I went to Walgreens to buy nail polish remover. I Googled how to remove superglue, and everybody said acetone, which is nail polish remover."

I asked him how he could use acetone to remove superglue on the interior of the watch. He said, "I soaked the whole thing in acetone!"

"But I still couldn't open the back. I took the watch to a repairman, a very nice guy, bald, Jewish, no hair. I told him that I couldn't open the back and he said, 'Shush. Leave that to me. It's my job to open watches.' Ahahaha! "It's my job"! It is! And he used a special tool to open the back without a problem. The superglue was gone, the watch opened up.

"The repairman said the watch needed a battery, which he would install for $30. Then it needed a new knob, which he could do for $35. Sixty-five dollars! This piece of shit watch cost $5! So I said, 'Wait, I need to think about this.' So he said, 'Fine,' and started putting the back of the watch back onto the face.

"I said, 'Wait! Leave the back off!' I couldn't open it myself, you know, I needed his tools. I needed to think. So I thought about it. I went back to Walgreens. A watch battery. Do you know how much that is? Five dollars. I got a replacement battery.

"But then there's still the problem of the knob that doesn't turn, but . . . "

Here he almost shook with laughter and anticipation. "But I figured it out! I figured out how I can set my watch even with a broken knob! Guess how!"

I said, "You buy a knob and replace it yourself?"

"No!" he said. "Guess again!"

I said, "You just rotate the face 30 degrees clockwise to line up the numbers with daylight savings time?"

"WRONG! Here's how you do it: the watch is stopped at 10:31. I WAIT until 10:31 tonight to put the battery in, and the time is set! For daylight savings, I take the battery out, WAIT an hour, and put it back in!! Ahahahaha!!"

Then he walked gleefully away from me, without awaiting my reply, saying in sing-song, "I am the smartest guy in the world!!" He went to their bedroom and set the bedside alarm, to remind himself that he had to put the watch battery in at 10:31 p.m.

Mom came in after this, shaking her head, saying, "Your dad really likes to save money."