tine

INT NIGHT SALAD BAR BUFFET

FATHER

(notices that one tine of his fork is bent at a 30 degree

angle to the others, then holds it up with both hands)

Art.

Nobody says anything.

FATHER

Art!

Father makes sudden stabbing motions at the rind of a cantaloupe. It takes several repeats for Daughter to realize that Father is trying to understand how one tine of the fork came to be bent. Father is an engineer.

FATHER

(suddenly disinterested in fork)

There is this Taiwanese politician who got sick of eating abalone.

MOTHER

You're not telling the story right.

FATHER
He was very corrupt and every night he had abalone.

MOTHER

That's not right. He was bribed with abalone.

FATHER

He ate it every night.

MOTHER
People bribed him by taking him out to eat every night. He ate geoduck every night.

FATHER

He got so spoiled, he said he couldn't eat any more abalone.

MOTHER

It just got to be too much.

FATHER

It's like a mussel, only very long.

MOTHER

It's a geoduck.

FATHER

Can you believe that? Sick of abalone? I never eat abalone! It's so expensive!

MOTHER

I can't believe he was so corrupt.

FATHER

I only eat fish balls. Do you know what they're made of?

MOTHER

Paste.

FATHER

Yes, glue.

MOTHER

Not wheat paste. Glue.

FATHER

Agar. Agar. Agar Agar. Gelatin. Chemicals. Like your tapioca balls.

MOTHER

Only the richest eat geoduck.

FATHER

Glue balls. No more transfats in California. I must eat cornbread before it stops tasting good. (leaves table to retrieve more cornbread)

DAUGHTER

(silently gumming mini blueberry muffin)

EXT CAR

On the drive home, Father tells Mother over and over again, always in singsong, that she is his "putative spouse." Father has learned the term from looking over Daughter's shoulder at her community property flashcards as they stood on the salad bar buffet line. Mother says, "What is that?" Father says, "It means you're my second wife, and you don't even know it!"