well that was disgusting

Let's apply some statutory interpretation techniques to the "vegetarian Peking spare ribs" that came upchuckily up last night around 3:45 a.m.:

1) Plain Text: I think this is the kind of oxymoronic language that even the Stevenses and the Scalias can agree to call absurd. Ribs? Wheat gluten pressed into patties are not even the simulacrum of ribs. Unlike veggie burgers that come painted with black charbroil lines, here there's not even the outline of a bone to suggest what this wheat gluten patty might've been. There's less than a ball a yarn's chance in a roomful a cats that this wheat gluten pressed into patties came from anywhere east of the Gateway Arch. "Peking" my ass.


2) Intent: What were the framers of the Vegetarian Paradise 2 menu intending to do when calling these pressed wheat gluten patties "vegetarian Peking spare ribs"? Legislative history suggests scrivener's error. Scrivener's omission: lack of ironic quotations around key terms, like "spare ribs" and "Peking." Scrivener, please correct this? He would prefer not to.

3) Purpose: What was the purpose of the menu item? Historical context suggests that this menu was written in 1992 at a time when federal agricultural subsidies had been reduced and the nation's wheat farmers were overburdened with the season's unusually successful crop yield, which in turn flooded the wheat gluten market and sent prices through the floor. In framing the menu, the owners were trying to achieve the twin goals of 1) relieving the wheat gluten market by encouraging the consumption of gluten products and 2) making some big vegetarian bucks in the land of plenty. Actually, who'm I fooling? I haven't paid sufficient attention in my Admin class to actually understand statutory interpretation. I still can't distinguish purpose and intent. F*k this!

Takeaway(s): Vegetarian Peking spare ribs. They'll break your heart and steal your wife. You'll wake up feeling vivisected. You'll spend $9.95 on them and wish you had gotten the Crispy Soul Chicken instead. You'll pack your cheeks with them and eat them over the course of your four-month spring hibernation (vernalation?). You'll cry, you'll die, you'll handover your checkbook. Vegetarian Peking spare ribs: Just Say No. Or Not Often.